阿嬤

有人说：老人家就像小孩子一样需要很多的精神去照顾。我逐渐地明白了...

从小就是阿公阿嬤看着我长大的。进入小学，中学和大学的时刻都有他们的见证。

阿公在我大学一年的时候过世了，很遗憾。大学毕业后虽然可以有更广阔的天空，但还是选择了回到家里帮忙照顾年华老去的阿嬤。

年迈八十的阿嬤身体还算健康，有少许的毛病但没有大碍。只是，她的记忆已随着时光的流逝逐渐退步。

从一开始只是偶尔不见一些钱财，到今年新年的状况是每隔两三天就不见红包，提款卡或银行簿子。

以为可以照顾阿嬤的我，开始吃不消了。在求学的压力和家里的状况之中试着寻找宁静的片刻，开始觉得很疲倦和无奈。

无可奈何之下决定让舅舅们来进行轮班制，希望情况会好一点。

前几天看了个关于dementia的文章：
1. One of the factor can be due to Alzheimer's Disease.
2. Lost the ability to keep track of purse/money.
3. Reasoning ability would be reduced.
这些我都观察到了。

心疼的看着阿嬤，我想她心里也不好过。

突然间，我很怕变老。变老了，很可怕。

冲冲冲～咦？卡住了??! 好消息～？

从Sabah过后就忙着准备到吉兰丹的conference和实验，不停的计划-实践，再重新计划-实践。

老实说，这次在这边的实验还蛮顺利的。至少细胞都很健康，没想上次这样一直contaminated。就这样马不停蹄的做啊做，写啊写，再analyse...

Immunocytochemistry和Immunofluorescence的照片都拍到满意了。

昨天开开心心的想要进入flow cytometry,怎知一个sms过来说机器buffer leaking!很好，接下来几天的计划都泡汤了！亏我还把细胞养的这么多...而且最让我接受不到的是，怎么在analysis的前两个小时才知道啊? Steps都做完了，就只差analysis而已，怎么这样???

结果这天就什么都没做到了，因为心情一直平静不下来。在这家company打工的Owen还第一时间给了我engineer的电话,真好。可是那位天真的RA过后好像被我的电话吓到了，一直不reply SMS...算了吧，反正时间也不够了，就随她喜欢吧！没办法，只好尝试联络槟城mainland的IPPT。

就在打算收拾心情准备打包回家时，今早来了个好消息。去年年终申请的Postgraduate Research Grant Scheme竟然被我拿到了！不多：RM19,500~可是却足以让我开心一整天，顿时充满能量起来。

这笔钱来得正是时候，因为一直以来都靠别人的grant,总是觉得很多事情是很无奈的。毕竟老板不会答应花一大笔钱买只有我一个人用的antibody或reagent,我一直都在烦要怎么办，尤其是在很努力想明年毕业的时候。甚至在上两个月，我竟然有股念头想要转成part-time student，忧郁起来还去向老板讲我的压力。这次几乎全部postgraduate student都申请的grant,竟然让我拿到了，讲真有点难以置信。

付出的努力总算有人赞同了，真的好感动～ 好吧，为了着少许的甜头，冲完这路程！

P/S:正在和我一样struggle的朋友们，一起奋斗呀！^^

Part 3- A Self-Challenging Trip to Mount Kinabalu~ finally !!!

Ops when was the last I wrote? Arh... it's at Laban Rata now.

10 May 2013 I personally would feel that the 3rd day was the most challenging day, that challenged our adaptation of body to the height, as well as the will to achieve the goal. Most of us did not sleep well on the second night, as it was really cold! Even the blanket couldn't warm the body at all. This was the time that I started to have the windbreaker, gloves, and socks on. (Very much thankful to Lian Hui that lend me the whole set of this! =D)

The supper breakfast at Laban Rata Resthouse started at 2am. Our guide told us to be ready before 2.30am to get ready for the hike, so that we would be able to catch the sunrise. Somehow, there's a slight delay in the departure, and so we departed at 3am, but Jacy and the gang were very excited and so they left before us. I always face the trouble of suffering nausea if the gap between the meal and the hike is too short. The schedule is beyond my control this time, but still I ate something to ensure the energy supply for later challenge.

Well as expected, I had the nausea feeling after just a short journey. I was trying to keep my steps small so that I won't vomit. But soon I realized that it was not a good idea as I was left behind! Luckily there's Kelvin that's walking with me. I wish to enjoy the sunrise view at the Low's Peak! At the end, I did not care about that anymore and decided to walk faster even though I knew it would be a mess, huhu. And so it happened as expected, but after that I could walk much more comfortably.

We continue the journey, then slowly meeting Ai Yin and Sarega who seemed couldn't adapt to the breathing condition. We walked and walked, in the dark, with headlights on. That time what we could see were just the headlights that's arranged in a row, moving like ants! Especially for those that were further away from us. We stopped once in a while to retrieve the breath. Sarega and Ai Yin did ask us to leave them and go ahead that time. Somehow, I would feel that there won't be any motivation if I have to walk alone. Thus, we insisted to move in a group.

Some of the area were really steep and we had to hold to the rope. That is extremely important for those that don't have a good shoes that could grasp the land nicely. Ai Yin's shoes were the one that I said the grip is bad, she kept on slipping and falling down until at a point that she was scared to walk anymore. (If anyone ask me about branded hiking shoes, I would show you an ignorant face!) Luckily the guide was very good, supporting her whenever she needed that. There was a point that I was waiting for them and I turned around, and immediately I regretted on that. I saw the building down there were very very far from us, and I'm sure that it would definitely be a disaster if anyone roll down. No turning back, head to the peak only after that.

There were no rest house in between, we could only stop aside to calm down a bit. I just feel that the journey towards the checkpoint was very very far. After that, the way seemed to be simpler, at least we could see where we were heading. Step-by-step, time went on and the sky got brighter.



The guide told us that we have to reach Low's Peak before 6.30am, or else we have to give up the end-point. The time limitation was quite worrying for us, can we make it? Should we still walk in a team? Why can't we see some other friends? Where's Shu Yih? My water bottle and rain coat were with him...(Seriously all these things should be kept personally, LOL!) A lot of questions popping out but still we proceed in 4. Towards the last part of the journey, I was really exhausted as I didn't have much food intake, and I was taking water from Kelvin and Sarega, so didn't want to finish it.

Finally about the last 500m, we met them one-by-one: Annie and jiefu (when we have an energy bar to boost the energy), Jacy and Chi Chung, then the team of whole group!!! It was at one the steep rocks that Ai Yin and me claimed back the water bottles, haha! Regretfully we didn't manage to take a big group picture for all, but I guess I should be satisfied with this achievement ady. It was at 7.05am! Luckily we made it, the real time that they stop hikers coming up was 7am! Great guide we have once again~~


After a few pictures, we had to get down to Laban Rata Rest House to have our breakfast. It was kinda rush, so we just walked. In fact by that time, I was really hoping for breaks that would let me rest my legs that started to show objection. Ai Yin was supported by another guide this time, very fast she disappeared from us. Kinda release for her as she should be safe with the guide ady, bye bye Ai Yin, haha! We met her once at the checkpoint, and after that she disappeared again. I couldn't describe how tired is that time, just wish I could get back to reality soon, for the first time! Geethaa, my lab mate called me and I answered with no energy at all.

By the time we reached Laban Rata, it was 9.45am, just before 15 mins of check-out time. We packed our stuff in a while, and rushed down to rest house to grab the breakfast before the session ended at 10.30am, crazy! I did not have appetite at all after all these, just managed to stuff in a few scoops of fried rice. Around 11.15am, we started the journey down, but all suffer from pain at different area of feets and legs, even with Panadol and Muscle Relaxant. It was altogether 6 hours to get down that 6km, which we use about the same time to hike up, oh gosh! The funny part is that Ai Yin suddenly became so motivated when she heard that Shu Yih and Der Jiun them were just 1km away from us, compared to the extremely slow steps before the motivation. Do not belittle the descending journey, it was as challenging as ascending hike but in a different way.

All-in-all, we manage to conquer MOUNT KINABALU! Looks like kinda big achievement huh? I wonder if I could write on resume, haha! But it checked one of the to-do-list that I dreamt of, hooray!!!

Thank you you and you that accompany me during this challenging journey, that enhance the colour of the dream trip!

P/S: Der Jiun, Shu Yih, Ai Yin, Siew Ching and me ended the 3rd day with simple but warm cup noodles. Finally I get some proper food intake, especially after suffering from motion sickness vomitting again ~huh~ We checked-in to the serviced apartment that we're quite satisfied with, Likas Square Condotel. We went to Sapi Island the next day after the hike! Not bad some of us still can swim and snorkle! Hehe. And the day was filled with nice local food, recommended by Jian Ming, addressed with much gratitude~~



==> The end of BCM annual trip, year 2013 <==

Part 2- A Self-Challenging Trip to Mount Kinabalu~ Ehem

9 May 2013 Entering Timpohon Gate with full semangat, we started the journey with a very light warm-up.


In a line, step-by-step we get up to the greater height.


Although I left some of the things for porter to carry, still I felt that the burden on my shoulder was very heavy! Haiz... What to do, I think the main culprit were the water, but I needed them. The hygiene of water to be refilled at the stations was really not convincing, except Layang-Layang Station where we had our packed lunch. 0.5km, 1km, 1.5km, 2km... We took photo for the first few station, where our team were still together. After a few stations, the ones that're walking with me are left with Siew Ching, Der Jiun, Jacy and Chi Chung. I enjoyed the scenery of nature on my way on the trail, the plants are rarely found on the ground!



The hiking distance for the day was 6km. Thanks to Siew Ching that bacame my food supplier that time, hehe... We managed to meet the rest of our friends at Layang-Layang Station, the place that we had our packed lunch brought over from Balsam Restaurant. My knee started to ache before this station, luckily Counter Pain from Der Jiun was able to help release the pain.




The last 2km was not simple as we thought, it was steeper and steeper, with rocks that would be painful to step on. Jacy was adapted to the height that time, so she and Chi Chung went further and further ahead from us.


About at 5km, it started the rain and made the journey even more challenging. Water was flowing down the trail, we can only try to save our shoes from getting wet by stepping on higher rocks. Of course it did not help much. Anyway, the waterfall scene was amazing!

We were very near to clouds this time!


At about 4pm, we finally reach Laban Rata Resthouse! 3,273m above sea level. Huh, I remember the cold wind~~~


Here we had our early dinner at about 4.30pm. A very warm dinner indeed, as all of us finally met after the obstacles. We were all very hungry that time!



However, Gunting Lagadan Hut, the place that we stayed overnight was at a place that's at a higher altitude (3,323m above sea level) . To walk there it's a bit hard with cold wind and insufficient light at evening. And yet, it is a non-heated dormitory.

-Part 1- A Self-Challenging Trip to Mount Kinabalu~ Yeah!

After a few weeks of hiking on weekend as training, it was the date! It exerted anxiety on most of us as we are worried that we could not make it to the peak. However, things shouldn't stop just for the worry, but we shall try our best.

8 May 2013 that marked the beginning of our journey, Ai Yin and me was taking the flight from Penang to KL, then only departing to Sabah from KL. I met one of my secondary school friend in LCCT, Chan Joo. She missed the time for checking in luggage, and so have to get another tickets immediately to join her friends. While I was reminding myself of not falling into the trap like this, I saw... Shu Yih? Am I wrong? Oh gosh. From the FB info, they should have departed once we reach. LOL! Actually they made a mistake for the time, should be the flight later, haha! We chit chat a bit. Then Ai Yin and me went for breakfast in MarryBrown. Something that little of you know, I carelessly lost my boarding pass and some of the receipts that I put in the trolley, huhu... That cost me another RM21 to print in the cyber cafe in LCCT. We reached Sabah at about 2.30pm, meeting Shu Yih and Der Jiun again while waiting for the rest. Jok E and the bf reached in a while, communicating with the drivers first. There was a shift in plan for transport, and so we had to wait for the bro-in-law of Jacy, then only started collecting the rest from Tanjung Aru. 4pm, the exact time of departure towards Kinabalu Park HQ. The transfer costs RM58 per person for a return trip.

When we reached there, the sky is already getting dark. After checking in for all my friends, we dropped our luggage at Rock Hostel and getting back to Balsam Buffet Restaurant for dinner.


9 May 2013 We moved from the hostel to the same restaurant again for breakfast. Meanwhile, I settled the fees for mount guide and tranfer to Timpohon Gate. 14 of us need 3 guide that was RM450 in total, and the transfer is RM9 per pax. Part of our luggage were kept at Sutera luggage room, RM10 per piece of luggage. They are very kind, some of us combine the luggages that saved some money. Around 9am, we were ready for the transfer to Timpohon Gate.


And here we reach Timpohon Gate.


Then only the real journey starts. To be continued...

Plan for the Challenge

Day passes and we are getting from kids, teenagers, adults and at the end towards the aged. We do not know how many 10 years that we can achieve, but the least to do for ourselves is to fill life with colours.

It was the plan since don't know how many years ago that we mentioned about this: We are going to conquer Mount Kinabalu. As usual, some plans are dragged years by years until one day someone creates the sparkle that keeps the plan moving. It was Annie, Jacy's sister that asked around. Eventually, the interest spread to Lian Chee that try to make it as our annual trip. I guess she has gone through some resistance to eventually collect 14 of us to go in a group. A huge group for hiking right? Haha.

Well, buying the flight ticket doesn't seem to be a confirmation to join the trip. After buying the flight tickets, some matters occur. Der Jiun and Shu Yih planned to not joining the hike. At that time, I was having some conflict with my lab mates about our Sabah trip too. That makes me wonder: Must I really join the trip too since the hiking experience doen't count everyone in? It should be an annual gathering for our BCM family. We won't be able to spend much time together if the trip goes on like this. After getting myself cool down, I get to see their point and concern over the matter. I do agree that it's not convincing to promote a local trip for RM 1000, especially when we need the money for something else.

And hence, I decided to take up the responsibility to organize the trip this time, hoping that I would be able to get something that satisfy most of us. However, communication is kinda hard as most of my friends are staying in Selangor, so the only thing I can do is to discuss through FACEBOOK and followed by personal message or SMS after that. The only thing that I regretted is on the transport that I promised Uncle Chong, but somehow I have to change the plan at last minute. People might not understand why do I insist on taking Uncle Chong. For me, a promise is a promise that should not be broken, I dislike people that simply say things then just ignore it. That shows that the person is not trustworthy. However, at the end I change mind because I think the opinion of others should be taken into account.

After comparing a few companies, we decided to take the package from Sutera Santuary Lodges that costs RM560 for hiking package from Timpohon Gate. We almost missed the place offered by them but luckily, the place come back to us after that. Huh! And so the date s set to be on 8-11 May 2013.

不轻易说放弃!

等了好多天，今天终于可以开始RNA Extraction了，是朝向RT-PCR的第一步。

可是啊，因为没查清楚其中一个步骤，应该是因为少加了buffer，结果extraction的一开始就觉得有问题。结果就是RNA的分量太少了，不能进去cDNA synthesis的部分。

而且，怎么又有细胞bacterial contamination了呢？真的是让我乱了阵脚。原本在槟城的时候都好好的啊！过后才想到，可能是不习惯这边的set up,有时候media会接触到micropipette的尾端。真是大意！

在陌生的环境里办事，好像很多事都不能如想象的进行那么顺利。失望是免不了的，却开始萌起退缩的念头。

话说回来，我觉自己是个蛮容易放弃的人。每次没有信心把某件事办好，我都会推搪掉。怕的是那失败的滋味，也就是我之前觉得自己是完美主义者的原因。我不想看到我的记录里有瑕疵的出现。而当我承接了某个任务的话，我会尽全力办好那件事。

往往这样的性格让我错失了本来属于我的东西，也让小错误影响自己的信心。

想提醒自己的是，犯错-人之常情。重要的是要想办法补救和解决。 过程往往都是没人看见的，结果才是重点。放弃的话，就连结果都看不到了。

所以，我不轻易放弃！我要看最好的结果。

最暗的夜，才會看見最美的星光，人生亦是如此。-蔡康永-

吉兰丹～第六天

今天是星期六，可是我一直都是觉得今天是星期天。不是精神错乱，而是这边的周末是星期五，那周日就是星期六咯。

在吉兰丹的日子，好像总是过得特别慢，好像总有用不完的时间可以慢慢挥霍。可是我不习惯...平时忙碌惯了的我，要突然静下来，还真的不知道要做什么。重复着上网，看戏，facebook，blog...

这一次到这边，会是有史以来最久的一次，靠近一个月（严格来讲是26天）。在清单里面，这一次的旅程应该要完成三个实验，即RT-PCR,Immunocytochemistry和Flow Cytometry。带来的细胞有点不听话，有个长得很慢，有个bacterial contaminated（在抢救当中）...希望已排好的计划还是可以如期进行。还有另一个烦人的事，就是Immunocytochemistry和Flow Cytometry的antibody还没送到，据说是在这个月中旬应该到达的。

每一次在这边做实验都觉得太有挑战性了，总有意想不到的突发事件会发生。细胞是实验中的主角，一旦它们有什么‘冬瓜豆腐’，我就必须迁就它们了。所以拜天拜地，你们要乖乖听话，健康成长啊！此刻，我还是抱着Law of Attraction,希望目标可以达成的。

话说回来，衣食住行在这边都不太方便。
衣：要自己用手洗，。当然有洗衣机，可是要配合天时地利人和，要排队。
食：校园里的cafe的营业时间还让我摸不着头绪，所以啃面包饼干的时间很常。还有，更重要的是water cooler non-functional,我不能每天早上一咖啡来振奋自己，开始美好的一天。
住：房间还算舒服干净，只是客厅和厕所也有其他房客，可是她们对地上的头发和蚂蚁视若无睹，有点难以接受。偶尔好心打扫一下，可是隔天开始有一样了，频临放弃的状态。
行：11号车是最实际的，所以走路变成最常的活动。偶尔室友想出去，我就顺便tumpang，这应该是最幸福的事了，有车坐！

还在适应当中的我写的。

~迟来报到的新年篇~

眨了一下眼睛，就来到新的一年!!!

2013开始了好几天，我还在追逐那流失的时间。年终总是让我雀跃的时候，舍不得静下来，深怕错过任何可以让自己过得充实的机会。

靠近圣诞节那几天，和家人决定了向南出发，到Pulau Ketam和KL逛逛。

Pulau Ketam自从PAP的camp过后就让我念念不忘。小时候为水上人家的熟悉感觉,会时不时涌上心头，怀念着过去轻松写意的生活，优游自在。可是这种简单的生活好像不是每个人都会欣赏，妈妈就是其中一位。不知道为什么这次吃的螃蟹没有期待中的那么好，肉质就是缺少了实质感，而且价钱也比从前吃的贵了些。还是因为那时是别人请客？哈哈。KL还是和往年一样，充斥着Christmas的气氛，让人为之振奋。最后一天到Damansara IKEA,妈妈的favourite spot,让原本很累的她马上精神起来！真让人佩服IKEA的魅力~

家人回去后就是我个人的时间咯。好久没有见到UPM的朋友们，所以早在还没到达前已经让他们计划一下。当然聚会总是让人感到心暖的，尤其是在圣诞节当天这么温馨的节日。谢谢你们让我感受到忙碌的生活中，有心的人还是能保持那情谊的温度！唱K，Starbucks,Iranian Food, McD,Foodtalk, Snowflakes还有最后一天早上的Subway,真是过瘾！还有pillow talk，闲聊，哈啦...赞！原本想见很多人看看他们的改变，可是忙碌的日子还是让人进退两难。我想这总是我最不喜欢的感觉吧，分离后的后遗症。遗憾总是得接受的，我祝福他们。过去的无所不谈，或许有演变到那么一天，我们见面是也谈不上两句。有点讽刺加点无奈...

真正跨年的时候，反而想静下心来悉数过去一年发生的事，选择了在家陪伴阿嬤倒数。2012年，精彩的一年！到过了香港，澳门，新加坡，沙巴和曼谷，看了好多的人和事。没什么太大的变动，涟漪算是为生活点缀的事。

新的一年最希望的就是赶快做完lab work,快点毕业。希望Dr.Ong不是给我假的希望...Project好像逐渐明朗化了，不再团团转，心里的包袱轻了一点。还是觉得现在做的还不足够毕业，可是他却毫无置疑的问我为什么认为不能毕业,还吩咐我开始写thesis的introduction。希望他不是烧坏脑吧！这样的一句话可是让我开心了一整天。当然这就成为了前进的动力。就像在黑暗中浮沉了很久的船只看到了灯火一样~

新的一年，我期待那未知的未来。我相信美好的日子会陆续而来！ =)

笔于在USM Kota Bahru的第二天,新宿舍DM6。

PSC-Young Laureates Award 2012

PSC stands from Penang Science Council, one of the committees under Penang Chief Misnister's Office, to take care of scientific development in our lovely state.

Somehow the connection of the event was bridged by my supervisor Dr. Ong. He was leading the JIM committee in our institute since a few year ago. The full definition of JIM refers to "Jaringan Indutri dan Masyarakat", meaning that it is a committee to foster the relationship with industry and deliver to community.

I was in the committee since last year . I decided to take up one of the program- Young Scientists Nurturing Program (YSNP) this year, since I always have the idea of doing something to share my knowledge.

It happened that in October this year, I was requested to attend the meeting as I was the person-in-charge for YSNP. The organising committee is made up of people from Penang Science Council Life Sciences and Medical Health Pillar, which is lead by B Braun this year. The point that attract me the most is that the committee members comprises industrial member, such as B Braun, Agilent, Fisher and etc.

The whole event includes 4 components- Workshop 1 for basic knowledge acquisition, Workshop 2 for brainstorming and idea development, Semi-Final and Final competition. In fact, I was involved in the second workshop only as the coordinator of the facilitators (who are my friends in INFORMM), and of course I was one of the facilitators guiding Penang Free School.

The event has ended successfully yesterday. I was a bit disappointed, as my mentoring school did not turn up as the champion of the competition, even though they did well from my perspective. However it was undeniable that there were some weaknesses that led to the result. Anyway, I was amazed by the creativity and the effort being put together for the presentation by every participating team.

The experience was memorable and meaningful for me, as this is the first time I work together with people elder than me. There were times that I need to negotiate and insist on my stand by communicating with all the mature working adults. Somehow I was not confident enough for the challenge.

After all, I feel satisfied as all's well ends well. I'm proud to say that working with these passionate people are great, they're efficient! The first experience of working with industry and the council will always remind me of the friends that I know from the event, especially Teresa and Soo Huey!

完美主义???

处女座向来是完美主义者的代言人，至少一直以来我都是这么认为的。（当然，也有些处女座的朋友是不拘小节的。^^）

在朋友群中，似乎在文斌和弟弟身上最为明显。只要结果不如人意，他们都会满介怀。

在台湾的时候，导师更是个丝毫都不马虎完美主义者。怎么说呢？她会针对小小的事情大发雷霆，并且把每个数据的都要求学生弄得很整齐，明确。

面试的时候，看到一些建议：缺点可以说自己是完美主义者。当时在想，怎么可能?? 这分明是虚伪,用来骗分的讲法吧...

最近，开始在想自己也是其中一位呢？真的，我看到它是缺点了！

回避不了的改变

最近身边的朋友们都有新的开始，尤其是工作方面。不同的是：不同的人，不一样的环境，不一致的反应。祝福你们的新工作都顺顺利利～

思绪最近漂浮不定的，小小的一件事情都可以让我想很多。我希望不是我变得太敏感了，只是想把心中觉得不确定的事情弄清楚，把觉得应该说的话说出来。

对于一位很要好的朋友，我想对你说：我觉得你在打拼的方向错了，思维也需要改用一下。可是我猜爱面子的你，如果我直接跟你说，你应该没办法接受吧!而且这是这可能是我主观的想法，不太确定以你的角度来看的话是否正确。可是啊，我看到你的坏脾气，任性的个性又跑出来了。想一想：是不是每个人都会一直迁就你呢？很久以前我说过，人还是要学习独立的，没有人可以保证可以在你身边一辈子...

加油吧朋友！我想你也有很多挣扎的时候，这是每个人必经的路程，没办法回避的。适时的改变或是也是个不错的选择，勇敢一点吧！

不吐不快！

曼谷之旅让我度过了轻松的五月，踏入六月又是继续打拼的时候了。热情的曼谷挂着当地民族浓厚的文化加上开胃的酸辣食物，还有好久没聚在一起的一大班朋友，让我不枉此行。虽然花了超过总共48个小时在火车上，可也总算经历过火车的经验，看似新鲜但很冗长的旅程。感谢朋友们的详细计划，让我们的行程变得充实，和你们一起的冒险我可以很放心！

回到现实，有时一大堆文件，文章，实验和补习。庆幸的是我担心的其中一个实验有我预测的结果，希望上天可以给我多一点勇气和资本，继续探索下去，打开这不解之谜。可以做总好过什么都不能做，现在只能走一步算一步咯！

比较头痛的事莫过于家里的老人家——外婆。年近八十的她在外公去世过后就变得疑心很重。家里的人物差不多都被怀疑过偷她的钱，再怎么解释都说不清楚。我真的想不明白为什么她会这么想...是记忆衰退的问题吗？可是啊，不是每一个人都会了解事情的原因，就算我在很早之前就说过外婆的情况会变坏。幸好当时有他提醒我最初的担忧，而决定留在槟城。结果呢？没有人会喜欢自己被怀疑。失智症-这个陌生的名词，好像还挺恐怖的。希望我担心的最坏情况不会发生，情况慢慢变好...

老实说，现在这样子真的很辛苦。一盘散沙的家，手心也是肉，手背也是肉，得怎么把隔阂揭开还真的考到我了。明明还是关心彼此的家人，为什么要把情况弄得这么僵？独自照顾老人家的责任，相信你们也明白这是不轻的吧...孝顺不是挂在嘴边的。牺牲掉自己和朋友们去玩乐的时间没问题，可是偶尔我也想要透透气啊！

快让我想到办法好不好？！快要崩溃了。

～香港学习之旅~

噢一个月了？课程结束回来到现在原来这么久了，好像很快酱的...想想上个月的这个时候～应该是忙着准备口试的时候。

话说当时忙到最后一刻，终于可以放下手中的功夫在飞机上放肆的睡觉了，哈哈！Erm...不对，其实还有最后一篇文章是在飞机上把它看完的。当时我其中一边坐着的是香港来的中学生，很有礼貌。在我读到快要昏了的时候，决定开口和他谈天一下。原来他们是一大团同学到LANGKAWI去考察，回来后需要写一份对当地经济的报告...好酷！怎么我们的学生都没有这样的机会...这是在飞往香港时候的趣事，还不错，见识到其他人的教育系统，大马还真的要加把劲啊～就这样我到达了目的地，等到了先前联络的Ehsan（念慈有提过的人），然后一起到了酒店Check-in各自的房间。结果这一天，晚餐变成了宵夜...

抵达的第二天，大伙儿第一次见面时，大家都显得有些尴尬，好像不太懂要讲些什么。幸好有自我介绍的时刻...虽然听起来很轻松，可是有些朋友却很认真地看待这个环节，弄得我也紧张起来，毕竟我的project当时还不知道要怎么接下去啊...没办法，硬着头皮就把懂的不懂的都说了，可是大家都好像对此好有兴趣...结果我就把个人的意见都说了，希望大家没听得一头雾水，哈哈！值得一提的是，虽说大部分参与的朋友都是博班生，还是看到有好几位是紧张得说不出话的，看来这个问题就算多几年的经验还是差不了多少的。比较一下，自己还算是班上年纪最轻的一群人...暗爽的同时，也开始猜测大家的底子，可别差太远让我丢脸的好！

接下来就是拍得满满的上课，加实验课程。这是一个步伐很快的学习课程，来自西方国家的朋友和讲师们都已经习惯了有很多Q&A的学习，大家都是有问题就马上提出来的。我本身有点不太习惯，因为个人比较喜欢先尝试了解和分析，想不到才会提出来。幸好大致上的讲课都满生动，可是还是免不了打瞌睡的时候，嘻嘻～没办法，有些频率就是很自然的催眠曲...实验的部分算是蛮新的科技，应用spinning disk confocal microscopy来做成影片分析，很方便！也让我们再一次地感叹大自然（细胞）得厉害...

要是你问我在课程中学多吗？我会说他像是一个semester学的知识吧，很充实也很实用！而让我最感动的，是课程的筹备人和讲师的大方和无私的精神。讲师们从世界各地飞到香港去和我们分享他们的知识和经验，是没有得到任何酬劳的。他们得到的仅仅是机票和住宿而已。就抱着要把知识和我们分享，他们过去了！有些还是在有着时差的情况下来授课的呢～～老实说，在我们这边的情况早让我已经觉得失望了。怎么说呢？在大马的研究者，在我眼中大部分都是被牵着鼻子走的牛，眼睛都被势力和impact factor所蒙蔽了。我搞不清楚他们是因为什么目标而进入这行业，可是好多都是自私自利，贪图利益和权力的 （无奈)。可是从那些讲师的身上，我才正式看到了研究者对知识的热诚，对未知而雀跃，多么难得啊~

当然，与不多国家的人相处也是很好玩的。彼此带着的文化，都是本身的特点，这尤其是在饮食方面看得到。每天晚餐的时候都是最轻松的时候，可是有时也拖到好迟，没办法...幸好他们发现了一家有卖西餐的餐厅，不然他们应该会疯掉吧，哈哈！我最特别的应该是可以和我们的巴士司机沟通得到，没想到我的广东话还不错，嘻嘻！每次和司机沟通后朋友们都回头来羡慕的眼神，有点不好意思。可是这就是大马华人的强项对吧？^^

课程结束后就一个人四处溜达，沉淀一下思绪。在香港的名胜地走走后，顺便到澳门去看看古迹，也到长洲区体验一下渔村的生活。特别喜欢澳门这个地方，他的建筑物，食物和文化都让我印象深刻...还有搭错车的惊吓，ehem...还有机会见到了好久没见面的洁敏。改变是成长的一个过程，但她还是像当初那么善良，真好。

一个人走走停停，有时有伴有时历险，不错的经验！

HKU-Pasteur Cell Biology Course

日子一天一天地在过，一瞬间就踏入了四月。2012年的四月是一个很充实的月份，因为我又要趴趴走了！哈哈。

还有少过两个星期的时间，就要启程到香港去。香港大学（HKU) 似乎从以前就觉得遥不可及的地方，现在真的有机会去了，还真的不太能相信。待我去到那边捏自己两下后再肯定！

又是一个人的旅程，这次好像没这么怕了。香港那边的安排看起来很妥善，希望到那边后也没什么大问题。只是啊...我好像被骗了，这课程好像一点都不简单！好多好多的教材要预先阅读。考试-这好久都和我没关系的名词，看来还是摆脱不了它！Oral Exam 听起来好恐怖。

新科技的发展，总要有很快的步伐才能跟得上。教材里的实验，有些提都没听过，我跟得上吗？我应该开始祈祷了，唉...怪不得只有相关研究的人才被挑选参与这课程，我相信如果他们不这么做的话，参与的人肯定是听得一头雾水。

就这样现在的状况就是忙忙忙。要处理完这边的事情，还要准备去香港的阅读资料，救命...给我多一双眼睛，一对手和一个脑好吗？

过去的事

晃啊晃，就这样过了一年。过去的事不停地在脑中盘旋，又再一次的我又陷入情绪低落的时候了。那痛楚还在，挥之不去～怎么会这样???什么时候变得这么脆弱的...

不想在任何人面前提起，可是最终还得面对自己。想把面具拿下，却不想让人看到软弱的另一面。就这样，逞强成了习惯，虚伪也靠近了一步。不喜欢这样的自己，所以暂时把自己关闭。

请让我在自己的角落里，因为伤口还没痊愈。也请别提起，因为我不懂如何回答。

～2012 之启动篇～

呼呼，好不容易挨过了2011。说真的，过去的一年好像过得不太好。也许我该相信运程，这样就不至于太难受。忙忙碌碌的过了一年，得到了什么吗？嗯...最值得开心的事情应该是拿到了奖学金，可以出国到Bali Island和台湾，还有家里换了辆新车吧！不如意的事情好像也蛮多的，可是不开心的事就不要再提了。过去的让它过去，新的一年会有新的开始！

过了一年，research这条路还是看不到尽头，糟糕～开始怀疑当初选的这条路是不是正确的。为什么要选择一个这么艰辛的挑战???看看身边工作的朋友，有时我真的很羡慕他们。毕竟下了班，回到了家就可以什么都不管了。而我呢？总是有做不完的事情，越堆越多。当主要的研究还没任何进展，外来的任务又挡不住时，我真的很想大喊："暂停一下可以吗？!"无奈时间就是那么无情，它总不会停下脚步来等你，唯一的选择就是你继续追它。趁着假期把包袱放一边，又是时候把它扛起来了！

身边的女生朋友最近都莫名的emo起来，好像年龄对于女生真的是个很恐怖的即时炸弹。二十四岁，我还不太能接受的年龄就这样伴随着我。一个不留神，二十五就尾随而来...可是为什么我身边的好朋友们都还是单身的？是时代不同了吧。Desperado这个字眼很不顺耳，可是却很贴切。我想在这一年静下心来，什么都不去想，随遇而安。我没办法否认心里的伤口还没完全痊愈。那一份执着是否值得，我等未来告诉我。好多事情都无法预测，我只想做我想做的。

2012看你咯！=）

人与人之间

我们都长大了吗？
好像长大了之后，要面对好多好多的事。
而让我觉得最难以捉摸的，还是人与人之间的关系。
说的是友情，爱情，还有亲情...

怎么说呢？感情总是都不会让付出和回报平衡秤子的那回事。
说穿了，就是你所做的事情，不一定让对方所领会·珍惜。
可是若什么都不做，那么它就会逐渐淡去。

或许是听了太多的故事，看了太多事情，我心里的涟漪还无法平静下来。
看着爱情的分分合合，看着友情的逐渐淡去，想挽救但又无能为力时，心中真的很不是滋味。

不明白为什么总是这么复杂，但就是不喜欢。

外公

小时候父母亲都做生意，所以我都住在外婆家，也就是阿嬤家。所以我和外公外婆相处的时间是多过和父母的。

还记得那时候，大人们在外面打拼的时候，都很少回家。外公外婆打从我有意识以来，都是卖经济米粉来赚取生活费的。老实说，到现在为止，我还是觉得我们家的米粉面比较好吃。

那时候啊，他们一天都买两个时段～早餐和晚餐。很特别的方式，虽然是路边摊，可是米粉和面都不是在路边炒的，特别吗？嘻嘻...那时候的程序是这样的：外婆负责在家里炒米粉面和煮红豆汤，外公则负责把超好的米粉，面和红豆汤用脚踏车载到隔着一条街的摊子去卖，卖完后再会家里拿。就这样一来一回的，卖到打烊为止。

那时候的我还很小，不懂事。只知道大人们每天到了某个时段就会很忙，留下我对着电视，偶尔到厨房看一下外婆炒米粉，八卦一下。可惜看了这么多次现在的我还是不会炒米粉*惭愧*...没办法啊，外婆总是说：“厨房这么烟，快点出去吧！去看电视..." 所以没一阵子，我又回到电视前面了。

有时候他们两老就会闹意见不合，在厨房吵起来。外公是个急性子，做什么都想要快，不想让客人等；外婆则认为慢慢来没关系。这就是他们争吵的原因，还好总是闹过就没事...这种营业方式到后来他们迁入了巴杀才改善，那时他们可以直接在摊子准备。

九月初四，也就是今天,是外公的祭日。以前在大学的时候，都会在这天特地回到家里。去年刚好遇到大学的颁奖典礼，来不及赶回家。就在今天，我缅怀以前的时候，怀念外公...

今天祭日大家都准备您最爱吃的时候，还可以吗？希望您在另一个世界过的好好的...

探险 。结束

温暖的床，熟悉的脸孔，习惯的口音...我回到家了！好像过了好久的时间，没在这个熟悉的地方出现。两个月的时间，真的就这么过去了。假如你问我过了这段时间，感想是什么的话我真的答不出来。因为这一次的经历真的是太特别了，有的不只是新奇，还带了惊险和其他新的体验。

打从一开始带着未知的恐惧一个人到台湾（或更准确的台中）去体验和其他人不一样的生活，到过后有了新朋友渐渐习惯及安下心来。到过后遇到和老师沟通上的问题，慢慢解开...再来的颱风，车祸...这一切都正式画上了句点，因为我回到我的安全地带了。

舍不得台湾的朋友～今日一别，不知道何时才能再相见了。再见时，相信也今非昔比了吧...离开的时候也只能送上最真的祝福，没有下一次承诺，希望大家接下来都过得好好的。

最重要的是，我也在成长～学会的是：害怕的事情原来可以有很多，可是还是得面对。鼓起勇气向前走去，再难的事情也会有其出路，因为我们上天总是会在适当的时候让我们看到光芒，不让我们迷路。同时，我也学会了珍惜现有的一切。盲目的追求还未得到的目标，有时却让我忽略了身边宝贵的事。

带着混乱的思绪去，带回了平静的心。